Aayla Secura Haiku

Love is colorblind.
I'd die my skin blue for you,
Aayla Secura
Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Shoulder Haiku

Her shoulder cries out
for my lips to sail its edge
and lose myself there

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Obama Wins Election Haiku

Ever try to explain
the moment the world changed?
Yeah, it was like that.

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Poets in the Sept 11 Slam: The Klute

Klute, The (noun): A rare breed of Southern Arizona slam poet, originally raised in Southern Florida (however, he's not a native Floridian - rumors trace his origin back to Illinois). Abhors use of rhyme schemes in poetry, writes almost exclusively in free verse.
Frequent targets: the goth subculture, neoconservatism (especially Dick Cheney), and crass-commericalism. Member of the 2002, 2003, 2005, and 2006 Mesa National Slam teams (Mesa's 2005 slam champion), and 2008's Phoenix Slam Team.
Slammaster of the Mesa Poetry Slam. Has released three chapbooks of his work: 2002's "Escape Velocity", 2005's "Look at What America Has Done to Me", and 2008's "My American Journey". Ask him nicely and he might send you a copy. Primary habitat considered to be raves (especially desert parties), goth clubs, and dimly lit dive bars. Prefers vodka, rum, and absinthe when drinking. Is considered friendly, but when cornered, lashes out with a fury not seen since last Thursday. He's totally smitten with his girlfriend, Teresa - so don't ask him to dance. Feel free to buy him a drink, but remember, he's not putting out. No matter how much you beg.

People are talking about The Klute!

AZSlim, Espresso Pundit poster: Don't argue with The Klute. His hyperventilating and pure hypocrisy shown in these (and many other) posts makes reasoning with a two-year old who didn't get the popsicle he wanted seem tame by comparison.

Phoenix 944 Magazine says: Despite the heat, [The Klute] wears a black trench coat almost everywhere he goes and if the setting permits, he’ll blast through enough slanderous commentary to make Andrew Dice Clay blush. [He] admits he started slam poetry out of arrogance. He saw a performance and figured he could do better, after which he also admits he failed miserably. Today, his addiction for getting in front of the microphone and spitting out everything from a Dick Cheney haiku to a long-winded prose on race car driving to the late Hunter S. Thompson is as strong as his love for vodka and absinthe. If anyone’s seen “The Klute” in action, they’d know it. If they haven’t, they must.

Jerome duBois, The Tears of Things: You have one of the blackest hearts I've ever had the misfortune to glimpse.

Sign up for the Sedona Poetry Slam on Friday, Sept. 11, by e-mail to foxthepoet@yahoo.com.

Twins Haiku

I want to have twins
but not the way you might think
and ... not as daughters

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Sedona Poetry Slam offers $100 prize

Sedona Poetry Slam offers $100 prize
Poets battle for your love and my cash

Sedona’s Studio Live hosts a high-energy poetry slam Friday, Sept. 11, starting at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $10. All poets are welcome to compete.

After three rounds, random judges in the audience will judge the best poet, who will win $100 and three minutes of glory.

Slammers will need three original poems, each lasting no longer than three minutes. No props, costumes nor musical accompaniment are permitted. The poets will be judged Olympics-style by five members of the audience selected at random at the beginning of the slam. The top poet at the end of the night wins $100.

Poets who want to compete should purchase a ticket in case the roster is filled before they arrive.

The slam will be hosted by Sedona poet Christopher Fox Graham, who represented Northern Arizona on the Flagstaff team at four National Poetry Slams between 2001 and 2006.

For more information or to register, e-mail to Graham at foxthepoet@yahoo.com or call 928-517-1400.

Video from previous poetry slams are available at www.YouTube.com/FoxThePoet.

Studio Live is located at 215 Coffee Pot Drive, Sedona. For more information, visit www.studiolivesedona.com.

Tickets are $10, available at Studio Live or Golden Word Books, 3150 W. Hwy. 89A.

Price: $10
Date: Friday, September 11, 2009
Time: 7:30pm - 10:30pm
Location: Sedona’s Studio Live
Street: 215 Coffee Pot Drive, Sedona, AZ
Phone: 9282820549
Email: foxthepoet@yahoo.com

Princess Leia Was My First Love Haiku

It's been twenty-six years
since Carrie Fisher taught geeks
like me how to love

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

High School Flame Haiku

All my old crushes
got married and had children
I still bear a torch

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Liam Neeson Haiku

Intergalactic Badass Instructor Haiku
Obi-wan Kenobi and
Bruce Wayne were both taught
by Liam Neeson

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Prom Haiku

I remember my prom ...

no blood like "Carrie"

but tears ... so many tears

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Jedi Obama Haiku

His name even sounds

like he was born a Jedi:

Barack Obama

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

GumptionFest's Haiku Death Match

GumptionFest's Most Excellent Happytime Haiku Death Match & Senryū Battle ("Haiku Death Match" for short) has stepped up a notch.

My pride is the Haiku Death Match banner. It's six-foot vertical banner. I had the idea for the Japanese Rising Sun and employed Christian Jerman to sketch out the lettering.

I painted the thing and I think it looks really cool, considering I am not a visual artist unless it's through PhotoShop.

I plan to keep the banner long after GumptionFest and perhaps host more Haiku Death Matches in the future if the GumptionFest one goes off well.

At this point, the only thing I need to find are a pair of red and not-red matching bandanas and something for me to wear. I have a decent red shirt, hot as hell, or a faux Japanese girl's nightshirt ... don't ask.

Last week, I built the Haiku Death Match Staff of Judgment. Essentially a six-foot tall tuning fork looking thing from pvc pipe and duct tape. I wanted it to be clearly visible from a distance.

It also has 22 bands of red and not-red along the main staff, five for the letters in "haiku" and 17 for the syllables.

The staff is also collapsible so after GumptionFest 4, I can store it easily in my closet.

All made for less than $20.

I made the red and not-red judging flags from duct tape and shishkabobs.

I spoke at the Poetry Salon last week trying to drum up interest among some of Sedona's more page-orientated poets to come out to GumptionFest and read at the Haiku Death Match. I would love to see a few page poets facing off with a few slam poets in the final rounds.

Chuck Norris Haiku

Pick a hero, or Texas Ranger, and writer your haiku about his or her badassitude. All apologies to Chuck Norris ....

Gibraltar Haiku
Spain and Morocco
don't touch anymore. Why not?
Chuck Norris said stop

Guitar Hero Haiku
When Chuck Norris
plays "Guitar Hero," somehow
it gets a body count

Why the World Won't End in 2012 Haiku
The world won't end
in the year 2012
because of Chuck Norris

Murder Investigation Haiku
If the cause of death
is listed as "roundhouse kick"
suspect Chuck Norris

This is Chuck Norris' Sparta Haiku
If Chuck Norris was Spartan,
the film "300"
would have been called "1"

United Nations Haiku
When Chuck Norris
visits the United Nations
he's his own country

Franklin D. Roosevelt Haiku
we have nothing to fear
but fear itself
and the fists of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' Bathroom Haiku
For toilet paper
Chuck Norris uses stacks
of rusty cheese graters

Bob Marley Haiku
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,
and then he roundhouse
kicked the deputy

Chuck Norris Mathematics Haiku
irrational numbers
become rational
when they see Chuck Norris

Rome Haiku
Rome would have been built
in a day if Chuck Norris
was the contractor

Chuck Norris in the Bible Haiku
In the beginning,
God said "Let there be light"
Chuck Norris said, "Say please"

Medusa Haiku
Chuck Norris was scared once,
the time he saw Chuck Norris
in a mirror

The following are not my ideas, they are Chuck Norris found haiku gleaned from www.ChuckNorrisFacts.com, www.TheChuckNorrisFacts.com and other Chuck Norris-themed pages. I merely adjusted the word counts to 17 syllables.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #1
If you have five bucks
and Chuck Norris has five bucks,
He has more than you

Chuck Norris Haiku #2
Chuck Norris's keyboard
has no control button.
'Cause he's in control

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #3
Every time Chuck Norris
listens to a song,
iTunes pays him a dollar.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #4
No human being
can sneeze with their eyes closed
except one: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #5
Lays Potato Chips
reads "No One Can Eat Just One"
(except Chuck Norris)

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #6
Everything as far as the eye can see
is "MySpace"
to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #7
aka
Only One Element in the Universe Haiku
Chuck Norris' periodic table
has one element:
Surprise

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #8
He is so efficient
that Chuck Norris can kill
two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #9
When the Boogeyman
goes to sleep, he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #10
Chuck Norris
stares books down
until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #11
Evolution
is just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris has let live

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #12
Outer space
is afraid to be on the same planet
with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #13
Chuck Norris never sleeps
He merely waits
for the right moment
to strike

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #14
Chuck Norris sued NBC.
he already trademarked
Law and Order [left and right fist]

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #15
Where's Waldo?
He's in hiding because Chuck Norris
came looking for him.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #16
No one can count to infinity, they say.
But Chuck Norris has.
Twice.

Chuck Norris Haiku #17
Behind the beard of
Chuck Norris, there is no chin.
Just another fist

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #18
Chuck Norris
doesn't exercise with pushups.
He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #19
Chuck Norris can run so fast
that he can punch himself
before he left.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku # 20
Chuck Norris’s hand
is the only hand that can
beat a Royal Flush

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #21
You can't lead a horse
to water and make it drink.
But Chuck Norris can

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #22
Chuck Norris has no
need for a watch.
Chuck Norris tells time what it is

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #23
When he gets pissed off
Chuck Norris can even slam
a revolving door

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #24
In the cold,
Chuck Norris does not get frostbitten.
Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #25
Soviet Union quit
after watching
a DeltaForce marathon.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #26
America is
no democracy. it is
a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #27
Chuck Norris' action figure
has slept with more women
than most men

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #28
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire
with a magnifying glass
At night

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #29
Seen Superman pajamas?
Superman wears
Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #30
There is no life on Mars
but there once was
before Chuck Norris got there

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #31
Chuck Norris
once kicked a horse in the chin
we call its offspring giraffes

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #32
When Chuck Norris inhales,
he isn't breathing
he's holding air hostage

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #33
aka
Chuck Norris Can't Wear Condoms Haiku
He can't wear condoms
because there is no protection
from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #34
Chuck Norris does not hunt
hunters sometimes fail
Chuck Norris goes killing

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #35
If Chuck Norris was a country
his chief exports would be
fists and pain

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #36
Chuck Norris donates
blood to the red cross, but he
never gives his own

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #37
Paper beats rock beats
scissors beats paper, but all
yield to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #38
There are three sides
to the Force: the light side, the dark side,
and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #39
Chuck Norris never
misspells a word. Webster just
changes the spelling

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #40
When Chuck Norris has
surgery, the doctors get
the anesthesia

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #41
Chuck Norris could put Humpty Dumpty
back together again,
but why?

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #42
The answer to the universe
isn't forty-two,
it is chuck norris

Lando Calrissian Haiku

Jedi fights Sith lords

but who blew up the Death Star?

That's right, me, Lando

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Disintegration Haiku

Today is your lucky day.

Darth Vader said,

"No disintegrations"

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Counting syllables in haiku is tough? No more

A British computer programmer, Russell McVeigh has solved all the problems for haikusters, a Syllable Counter that counts as you type.

Once you're close to 17 syllables, count them with your accent as it's not 100% accurate to Western American dialect, as in this:

Chuck Norris Haiku # 20
Chuck Norris’ hand
is the only hand that can
beat a Royal Flush

Which only counted 15 syllables, because the British pronunciation is one syllable "rɔɪəl" while Americans break it into "rɔɪ ' əl."

It also didn't count Chuck Norris' as four syllables, just three. Probably because it was scared of Chuck Norris.

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Hacker Haiku

one oh oh one oh

oh one one oh one oh oh

one oh, you're pwned, bitch

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

George Carlin Zen Haiku

George Carlin's Zen Haiku or
The Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say in Haiku
(perform while sitting in the lotus position)

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt,
Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.
George Carlin. Ohm.


Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

Nuke the Fridge Haiku

Indiana Jones

jumped the shark when Lucas and

Spielberg "nuked the fridge"

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.

"nuke the fridge", verb phrase: Nuke the fridge is a colloquialism used to refer to the moment in a film series that is so incredible that it lessens the excitement of subsequent scenes that rely on more understated action or suspense, and it becomes apparent that a certain installment is not as good as a previous installments, due to ridiculous or low quality storylines, events or characters.
The term comes from the film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in which, near the start of the movie, Harrison Ford's character survives a nuclear detonation by climbing into a kitchen fridge, which is then blown hundreds of feet through the sky whilst the town disintegrates. He then emerges from the fridge with no apparent injury. Later in the movie, the audience is expected to fear for his safety in a normal fistfight.
Fans of the Indiana Jones series found the absurdity of this event in the film to be the best example of the lower quality of this installment in the series, and thus coined the phrase, "nuke the fridge".
The phrase is also a reference to the phrase "jump the shark", which has the same meaning, only applied to a television series instead of a film series.

$20 Kiss Haiku

Your kiss is better
than finding twenty dollars
in yesterday's pants

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.