"Star Wars vs Star Trek" by Faldwin J. Bard and Christopher Fox Graham

The Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs surprise
Faldwin J. Bardand Christopher Fox Graham at Bookmans

Here it is, nerds of the world. The duo poem Faldwin J. Bard and I wrote together for our Sunday, Nov. 20, poetry feature at Sundara in Flagstaff.

Writing with Faldwin was a lot of fun. We wrote the poem at Bookmans in Flagstaff, which coincidentally was visited that day by the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs.

Of course, I had my lightsabers in the truck and I was wearing my vintage Star Wars T-shirt, so, well perfect.

Beneath this handsome exterior
	beats the heart of a nerd
and not your typical
	“I’ve read the novelizations of the Harry Potter movies”
nerd	nerd
or “I Wikipediaed ‘Twilight’ to sleep with the girl at Bookman’s”
nerd	nerd
	No
we’re NERDS	we’re NERDS
Spend six months working on a costume for a three-day convention
NERDS	NERDS
	Memorize the inner workings of interstellar starships
NERDS	NERDS
Spend more money on an authentic prop than I do on my girlfriend
NERDS	NERDS
	Become fluent in a fictional language I’ll never be able to put on my resume
NERDS	NERDS
we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time	we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time
filled with alien races from exotic worlds
	interstellar travel with impressive special effects
grand galactic space battles
	exploding torpedoes
Of, course we’re talking about
Star	Star
Wars    Trek	Trek
Star Trek?	Star Wars?
Pointy-eared Vulcans and color-coded pajamas?
	Wrinkly green gnomes and shit-colored bathrobes?
How is Star Trek better than Star Wars?
	One word: Klingons
Original Series or after they became space bikers with wrinkly foreheads?
	Holodecks
You mean wet dream machines for filler episodes?
	Pon Farr
Yeah ’cause nerds need to point out we only get laid once every seven years
	So what’s so great about Star Wars?
Jedi Knights with Lightsabers
	Grown men dancing around with flashlights?
The Force
	Yeah, it was totally cool when Matilda did it
Mandalorians
	Midi-chlorians. ‘Nuff said.
	At least my technology makes sense
	Give me some dilithium crystals and a forcefield and I can build you a warpdrive
	because I have the specs for that memorized
	I doubt you can build a lightsaber
Whatever, I prefer my space epic focus on the characters not “Treknobabble”
You fix a busted hyperdrive the same way you fix a busted TV
You hit it with Wookie
Geordi La Forge just “reverses the polarity” or
“Calibrates the vertarium cortenide power grid with compressed personnel transporters”
	Why would you use vertarium cortenide for personnel transports?
	The molecular structure isn’t complex enough to handle organic lifeforms
Stop! It’s not about technology, it’s about characters
	Star Trek has a sentient android who performs Shakespeare, writes poetry, is anatomically correct and a programmed for a broad variety of pleasuring
	C3PO is just a rusty servant with a shitty British accent
Jean-Luc Picard is a Frenchman played by a Scotsman with a worse British accent
	Did you just insult the silky smooth baritone of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
	the Barry White of the Milky Way?
	at least he doesn’t sound like he’s been smoking two packs a day for 800 years
	“emphysema, I have”
Don’t insult the last Jedi Master!
who trained Obi-Wan Kenobi,	“tumor causing, teeth staining,
Ki-Adi-Mundi and Oppo Rancisis	smelly, puking habit”
Star Wars is a modern retelling of ancient Greek heroic epics:
a boy becomes a man
finds his father
Rescues him from himself
and saves the galaxy
	or he’s a whiny brat with daddy issues who kisses his own sister
But with the Force
Star Wars is better (said while doing the Jedi Mind Trick)
	Seriously?
	Don’t use your Jedi Mind Trick on me
	I will mindmeld your ass
	faster than you can say Pon Farr
Wait, what’s the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan again?
	I’d explain, but we don’t have all night
	Isn’t an Ewok a dwarf Wookie?
Lightsabers!
	Holodecks!
The Force!
	Mindmelds!
Mandalorians!
	Klingons!
Gorram-it!	Gorram-it!
	Wait, did you just say “gorram-it”?
Yeah
	Shiny. You like “Firefly”?
Of course. Cowboys in space. What’s not to like?
	And Nathan Fillion
Morena Baccarin
So hot	So hot
	It’s so messed up that it got canceled
Yeah, what the hell was Fox thinking?
(exit stage together)	(exit stage together)

Azami with the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the
Manadalorian Mercs at Bookmans

Azami sent the Mandalorians over to our table. Which is one reason why she's awesome.