This is the official blog of Northern Arizona slam poet Christopher Fox Graham. Begun in 2002, and transferred to blogspot in 2006, FoxTheBlog has recorded more than 670,000 hits since 2009. This blog cover's Graham's poetry, the Arizona poetry slam community and offers tips for slam poets from sources around the Internet. Read CFG's full biography here. Looking for just that one poem? You know the one ... click here to find it.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

"Star Wars vs Star Trek" by Faldwin J. Bard and Christopher Fox Graham

The Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs surprise
Faldwin J. Bardand Christopher Fox Graham at Bookmans
Here it is, nerds of the world. The duo poem Faldwin J. Bard and I wrote together for our Sunday, Nov. 20, poetry feature at Sundara in Flagstaff.

Writing with Faldwin was a lot of fun. We wrote the poem at Bookmans in Flagstaff, which coincidentally was visited that day by the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs.

Of course, I had my lightsabers in the truck and I was wearing my vintage Star Wars T-shirt, so, well perfect.

Beneath this handsome exterior

beats the heart of a nerd
and not your typical

“I’ve read the novelizations of the Harry Potter movies”
or “I Wikipediaed ‘Twilight’ to sleep with the girl at Bookman’s”


we’re NERDS
we’re NERDS
Spend six months working on a costume for a three-day convention


Memorize the inner workings of interstellar starships
Spend more money on an authentic prop than I do on my girlfriend


Become fluent in a fictional language I’ll never be able to put on my resume
we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time
we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time
filled with alien races from exotic worlds

interstellar travel with impressive special effects
grand galactic space battles

exploding torpedoes
Of, course we’re talking about

Wars    Trek
Star Trek?
Star Wars?
Pointy-eared Vulcans and color-coded pajamas?

Wrinkly green gnomes and shit-colored bathrobes?
How is Star Trek better than Star Wars?

One word: Klingons

You mean wet dream machines for filler episodes?

Yeah ’cause nerds need to point out we only get laid once every seven years

So what’s so great about Star Wars?
Jedi Knights with Lightsabers

Grown men dancing around with flashlights?
The Force

Yeah, it was totally cool when Matilda did it

Midi-chlorians. ‘Nuff said.

At least my technology makes sense

Give me some dilithium crystals and a forcefield and I can build you a warpdrive

because I have the specs for that memorized

I doubt you can build a lightsaber
Whatever, I prefer my space epic focus on the characters not “Treknobabble

You fix a busted hyperdrive the same way you fix a busted TV

You hit it with Wookie

“Calibrates the vertarium cortenide power grid with compressed personnel transporters”

Why would you use vertarium cortenide for personnel transports?

The molecular structure isn’t complex enough to handle organic lifeforms
Stop! It’s not about technology, it’s about characters

C3PO is just a rusty servant with a shitty British accent

Did you just insult the silky smooth baritone of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

the Barry White of the Milky Way?

at least he doesn’t sound like he’s been smoking two packs a day for 800 years

“emphysema, I have”

who trained Obi-Wan Kenobi,
“tumor causing, teeth staining,
smelly, puking habit”
Star Wars is a modern retelling of ancient Greek heroic epics:

a boy becomes a man

finds his father

Rescues him from himself

and saves the galaxy

or he’s a whiny brat with daddy issues who kisses his own sister
But with the Force

Star Wars is better (said while doing the Jedi Mind Trick)


Don’t use your Jedi Mind Trick on me

I will mindmeld your ass

faster than you can say Pon Farr
Wait, what’s the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan again?

I’d explain, but we don’t have all night

Isn’t an Ewok a dwarf Wookie?

The Force!



Wait, did you just say “gorram-it”?

Shiny. You like “Firefly”?
Of course. Cowboys in space. What’s not to like?

So hot
So hot

It’s so messed up that it got canceled
Yeah, what the hell was Fox thinking?

(exit stage together)
(exit stage together)

Azami with the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the
Manadalorian Mercs at Bookmans
Azami sent the Mandalorians over to our table. Which is one reason why she's awesome.

1 comment:

London Accountant said...

I like the way this reads like a (cool/uncool??) dual-rap of sorts. The way the two columns converse with each other, challenge each other, but at the same time work in synthesis throughout. It's an awesome patchwork of modern culture - love the references. I'm treating the links as part of the fabric of the poem - turning it into a postmodern internet creation!