Hello, Sedona residents, my name is Christopher Fox Graham and I want to be your mayor. Not any time soon. I'm talking 2012. Why? Because I said it as a joke four years ago and people took me seriously.
Now my pride's on the line.Actually, my overblown ego is just part of my sense of humor. But I am self-confident like mad, so much so, I like hearing people talk smack about me because it still makes me the center of attention even when I'm not around.
I am egotistical. I am brash. I can be jerk just on principle alone, just ask Christopher Lane, Aaron Johnson, Greg Ruland, my ex-roommates, or my family. I am tenacious. I am a good speller and a great speaker. I am a Pisces. I am a phenomenal kisser, a mediocre boyfriend, a terrible cook and a hilarious dancer. I am a poet. I am a Jedi ... if only in my mind. I will fight for Sedona; I will fight for you because it's the people in my life, in this city, who make my life worth living.
Yes, I have little funding. About $13.41 at last count, and that has to go for a 12-pack for a party this weekend. So, no posters. But I can't be bought. I'm allergic to money, which I why I spend what little I do earn on my friends, acquaintances, and those in my community who need it more than I do. Think of me as mayor like that. Spange me, Sedona, and I will provide.
The city of Sedona has such potential to support its residents, but this effort is lost on poor communication between residents, businesses and city government. I propose the city partner with local businesses and residents to promote our local events, boost community participation, and develop a sense of true community. One local newspaper and a smattering of disconnected websites isn't enough to keep residents informed about all the activities, fundraisers, venues, arts events, concerts, festivals, shopping deals, and special events. New media is the future. I propose public-private partnerships to make Sedona a wired city, one needed to thrive in the 21st century.
Rents for businesses are so high that most do not stay in business for more than a year. Businesses have extreme difficulty drawing locals to shop. Locals prefer to stay home because they say there's nothing to do. Everyone in Sedona wants to share, but no one is willing to make the first step. I propose working with residents - and not just the 100 regulars who show up to city council meetings - to develop a true, free, city center where all residents can celebrate our community ties.
I propose spending less city money on bringing in tourists and more money on supporting local businesses that cater to residents. Tourists pay the bills but residents vote the votes. And I like votes. But residents like doing things in the city without getting their wallets sucked dry like they were tourists, too. I propose businesses institute a citywide locals discount, but receive tax breaks and write-offs from the city for supporting the community.
Why 2012? Why not 2010?
To prepare. To consolidate. To procrastinate. To get distracted by shiny things. To play really great video games and watch a good movie, and maybe make some Raman noodles. To get angry that we're procrastinating and get off the couch and get motivated to change the city.
Besides, if Sedona's New Age and metaphysical community is right and the world is coming to an end, why not throw your vote away on a hard-luck poet with a charming manner and good intentions. If the Mayan gods don't raze the planet by 2013, then Sedona will be in good hands.
Why CFG? Why not. Some leaders become great, others have greatness thrust upon them. And a few like me, strive for greatness because a fake ego masks of a sense of humor.
What will I do in office: I will talk to you. I will hear your concerns. I will fight for you. I will speak honestly and slow. I will speak plain English, with occasional dashes of cursing in English and Klingon because it's funny. I will put measures before council. If they fail, I will point the blame at those who voted against them. I will have logical, dispassionate arguments for all of my decisions. I can separate my personal biases from my decisions as an elected official. I will be honest. I will think about embezzling but realize that I'll probably get caught eventually or have a guilty night's sleep, so I won't do it. I love sleep. I hate guilt. And my ego is a joke, not real like former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s.
I will network with whomever can help this city. I will work late. I will get up late, too, so it's kind of a wash. I will be creative. I have an IQ around 150 and think outside the box. Like MacGuyver, will find ways to fund city programs with duct tape and fountain pens. I am honest to a fault. I lost my virginity in Cabin 8 at Mingus Mountain Methodist Church Camp. I was horrible, but she loved me despite it. See, that's real honesty you can rely on in a leader. Maybe too much, but it means I won't have any Lewinsky-ish late-night incidents in the mayor's office. Unless there's a gun to my head. Or if the Mayan gods come in 2013. Or I'm having a Clintonesque wet dream, but only after I make peace in the Middle East. I am an atheist. I am a socialist. I am still good friends with most of my ex-girlfriends, and for a poet, that's saying a lot. I was convicted of a DUI in 2002 and possession of stolen property in 2004 or 2005 for some road signs my roommate and I had in my apartment when I moved from Flagstaff. But I paid the fines, said I'm sorry, and months later had a beer with one of the officers laughing about how cool the road signs looked from a photo.
What will I do to win? I will campaign. I will debate and crush my opponents. I will thumb-wrestle. I will engage in pissing contests, both metaphorical and literal if need be. I will kiss babies. I will kiss large and medium size dogs. I will not kiss small dogs, they get scared and have a tendency to play "Where's your nose?! That's right! It's in my belly." I like my nose on my face, occasionally in flowers and sometimes smelling the hair of a beautiful woman on a lazy Sunday morning.
Vote CFG. Vote Fox. Vote ego. Vote Ciff. Vote Cyph. Vote Siph. Vote for variant spellings. Vote Christopher Fox Graham (... just not in 2010. Although I'll serve if I win as a write-in in 2010). Vote Christopher Fox Graham for Sedona mayor in 2012.
And if the Mayan gods destroy us, at least Sedona was vaporized with a cool mayor in control.
