Chuck Norris plays Mario Cart

Haiku Death Match at GumptionFest VI!

GumptionFest VI's Haiku Death Match, aka GF6HDM

As in past years, we will hold a Haiku Death Match at GumptionFest VI.

GumptionFest VI will be Friday to Sunday, Sept. 16 to 18, along Coffee Pot Drive in West Sedona.

The Haiku Death Match will be held Sunday, Sept. 18 at 3 p.m. at the Best of Show Stage, on the corner of Yavapai and Coffee Pot drives.

Grand Prize: $17

A Haiku Death Match is a competitive poetry duel that is a subgenre of poetry slam. The Haiku Death Match is a prominent feature at the annual National Poetry Slam, replete with full costume for the host, Jim Navé from Taos, N.M. or Daniel Ferri.

At GumptionFest VI, we will attempt to hold a Haiku Death Match as similar to the NPS version as possible.

What is haiku?
Haiku (俳句) is a form of Japanese poetry consisting of 17 syllables in three metrical phrases of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables.

Japanese haiku typically contain a kigo, or seasonal reference, and a kireji or verbal caesura. In Japanese, haiku are traditionally printed in a single vertical line, while haiku in English usually appear in three lines, to parallel the three metrical phrases of Japanese haiku.

What is slam haiku?
Slam haiku used in a Haiku Death Match is far simpler: Use of three or fewer lines of 17 syllables. Slam haiku can be anything from a single 17-syllable line or simply 17 words. Two of mine:

Traditional 5-7-5 haiku
Serial Killer Haiku
Funny you should ask
my trunk can fit two Boy Scouts
and a grandmother

American 17-syllable haiku
Grammar Haiku:
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled phonetically?
While you think, let's make out

A standard Haiku Death Match is conducted thus:
The host randomly draws the names of two poets, known as haikusters, from the pool of competitors.
The haikusters adorn headbands of two colors: Red and Not-Red (white).
Red Haikuster and Host bow to each other.
Not-Red Haikuster and Host bow to each other.
Red Haikuster and Not-Red Haikuster bow to each other.
Red Haikuster goes first.
The Red Haikuster reads his or her haiku twice. The audience does not clap or make noise (usually, though, they laugh or vocalize, but, of course, we must pretend that this is completely unacceptable).
The Not-Red Haikuster reads his or her haiku twice. Again, the audience does not clap or make noise.
The host waits for the three judges to make their choice for winner, then signals them to hold aloft their Red or Not-Red flag.
Simple majority (3-0 or 2-1) determines the winner.
The host asks the audience to demonstrate “the sound of one hand clapping,” i.e., silence, then “the sound of two hands clapping,” at which point they can finally applaud. The mock ceremony involving the audience is half the fun.
The winning haikuster then goes first.
Depending on the round, the winner will be best 3 of 5, 4 of 7, best 5 of 9, etc., of a number determined beforehand for each round.
After the duel, Red Haikuster and Not-Red Haikuster bow to each other and shake hands. The next duel begins.
Rules for the GumptionFest VI Haiku Death Match:

• Titles: Haikusters can read their haiku titles before they read the haiku. (This gives the haikusters technically more syllables to put the haiku in context, but the haiku itself must still be only 17 syllables. While this is not “pure” Haiku Death Match rules, it’s much more fun for the audience.
  
  
• Originality: Poets must be the sole authors of the haiku they use in competition. Plagiarized haiku are grounds for disqualification. We all love Matsuo Bashō, but he’s 300 years too dead to compete.
  
  
• On-page or memorized?: Poets can read from the page, book, journal, notepad, etc.
  
  
• Preparation: Poets can have haiku written beforehand or write them in their head while at the mic. As long as the haiku are 17 syllables, we don’t care how, when or from where the haiku originates.
  
  
• Rounds: Will be determined by the number of haikusters who sign up to compete.
  
  
• Quantity of haiku needed: Depends on the number of rounds. 30 haiku will likely be enough for poets who push rounds to the last haiku needed and go all the rounds, but 50 to 100 gives haikusters enough material to be flexible in competition. Most veteran haikusters have several hundred to compete with.
  
  
• Censorship: Adult themes and language are acceptable. There may be children present so you may have to deal with their parents afterward, but that’s your call.
  
  
• Register: E-mail me at foxthepoet@yahoo.com or GumptionFest at GumptionFest@gmail.com.
  

What’s the Best Strategy to Win?

• A winning haikuster is flexible.
  
  
• If your opponent reads a serious or deep haiku, read one that is more serious or more profound, or go on the opposite tack and read something funny.
  
  
• If your opponent reads a funny haiku, read one that is funnier, or go on the opposite tack and read something serious or deep.
  
  
• If your opponent makes fun of you, make fun of yourself even bigger or make fun of them. A good head-to-head haiku can work wonders and often wins a Haiku duel. For instance, my “Damien Flores Haiku,” “Easy way to win: / Damien is 20, Officer, / and he's drunk."
  
  
• If you’re on stage and you get an idea for a haiku, feel free to write it down immediately. That might be the next round’s haiku that wins you the duel.
  
  
• Have a good time. Even if don't get past the first round, it's still a great time for all.

Still Scared of Haiku?
Don't be, they're easy to write. Haiku Death Match haiku are not likely to be remembered centuries from now, so don't stress out. Write short poems that you find entertaining and enjoyable.

Take these examples and see how easy haiku can be. Anonymous haiku:

Haiku are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense ...
refrigerator

she dances lithely
seduction under the moon
I ... hey, a nickel!

My life is Jello
Sitting, waiting in the bowl
Patiently to gel

"Doom" Haiku:
Frag demons for hours
Stare at the screen with red eyes
it's time for class

And some of my haiku:

Traditional 5-7-5 haiku
Mother's Day Haiku
I blacked out last night
no, this isn't my blood but
happy Mother's Day


Heavy Pause Haiku
Then, years afterward,
I realized the problem was ...
...
...
...
... I hesitated

American 17-syllable haiku

Crucifixion Haiku (stolen from a joke by Dan Seaman)
Why did Jesus Christ
die on the cross?
Because he forgot the safe word

Theory of Relativity Haiku
The illusion of light
traps believers in the past
must move faster

Emigration Haiku
America is taxing my dreams
so I'm moving
to Canada

Insurance Haiku
"Drop your pants
and give me $100."
I hate my HMO.

Call Center Haiku
Work is so boring today.
I'll liven it up
with a homicide

Lisa Haiku
Somehow you can make
the words, "fuck me"
the most romantic phrase I know

Atheist Haiku
You ask why I am an atheist?
Fathers are our models
for God

Punk Rock Chick Haiku
Punk band patches
tats, pink hair, pierced attitude ...
I want her to break me

Nearsidedness Haiku
I should have seen
fucking you was dumb;
my testicles need spectacles

Thanksgiving Haiku
Before we start, I
want to say I hate you all.
Pass the salt, aunt Beth

Was it True Love? Haiku
Loving you was
endless disappointment
with moments of denial

And, of course, my more than 50 Chuck Norris haiku

Chuck Norris Haiku

Pick a hero, or Texas Ranger, and writer your haiku about his or her badassitude. All apologies to Chuck Norris ....

Gibraltar Haiku
Spain and Morocco
don't touch anymore. Why not?
Chuck Norris said stop

Guitar Hero Haiku
When Chuck Norris
plays "Guitar Hero," somehow
it gets a body count

Why the World Won't End in 2012 Haiku
The world won't end
in the year 2012
because of Chuck Norris

Murder Investigation Haiku
If the cause of death
is listed as "roundhouse kick"
suspect Chuck Norris

This is Chuck Norris' Sparta Haiku
If Chuck Norris was Spartan,
the film "300"
would have been called "1"

United Nations Haiku
When Chuck Norris
visits the United Nations
he's his own country

Franklin D. Roosevelt Haiku
we have nothing to fear
but fear itself
and the fists of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' Bathroom Haiku
For toilet paper
Chuck Norris uses stacks
of rusty cheese graters

Bob Marley Haiku
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,
and then he roundhouse
kicked the deputy

Chuck Norris Mathematics Haiku
irrational numbers
become rational
when they see Chuck Norris

Rome Haiku
Rome would have been built
in a day if Chuck Norris
was the contractor

Chuck Norris in the Bible Haiku
In the beginning,
God said "Let there be light"
Chuck Norris said, "Say please"

Medusa Haiku
Chuck Norris was scared once,
the time he saw Chuck Norris
in a mirror

The following are not my ideas, they are Chuck Norris found haiku gleaned from www.ChuckNorrisFacts.com, www.TheChuckNorrisFacts.com and other Chuck Norris-themed pages. I merely adjusted the word counts to 17 syllables.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #1
If you have five bucks
and Chuck Norris has five bucks,
He has more than you

Chuck Norris Haiku #2
Chuck Norris's keyboard
has no control button.
'Cause he's in control

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #3
Every time Chuck Norris
listens to a song,
iTunes pays him a dollar.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #4
No human being
can sneeze with their eyes closed
except one: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #5
Lays Potato Chips
reads "No One Can Eat Just One"
(except Chuck Norris)

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #6
Everything as far as the eye can see
is "MySpace"
to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #7
aka
Only One Element in the Universe Haiku
Chuck Norris' periodic table
has one element:
Surprise

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #8
He is so efficient
that Chuck Norris can kill
two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #9
When the Boogeyman
goes to sleep, he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #10
Chuck Norris
stares books down
until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #11
Evolution
is just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris has let live

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #12
Outer space
is afraid to be on the same planet
with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #13
Chuck Norris never sleeps
He merely waits
for the right moment
to strike

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #14
Chuck Norris sued NBC.
he already trademarked
Law and Order [left and right fist]

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #15
Where's Waldo?
He's in hiding because Chuck Norris
came looking for him.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #16
No one can count to infinity, they say.
But Chuck Norris has.
Twice.

Chuck Norris Haiku #17
Behind the beard of
Chuck Norris, there is no chin.
Just another fist

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #18
Chuck Norris
doesn't exercise with pushups.
He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #19
Chuck Norris can run so fast
that he can punch himself
before he left.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku # 20
Chuck Norris’s hand
is the only hand that can
beat a Royal Flush

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #21
You can't lead a horse
to water and make it drink.
But Chuck Norris can

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #22
Chuck Norris has no
need for a watch.
Chuck Norris tells time what it is

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #23
When he gets pissed off
Chuck Norris can even slam
a revolving door

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #24
In the cold,
Chuck Norris does not get frostbitten.
Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #25
Soviet Union quit
after watching
a DeltaForce marathon.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #26
America is
no democracy. it is
a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #27
Chuck Norris' action figure
has slept with more women
than most men

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #28
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire
with a magnifying glass
At night

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #29
Seen Superman pajamas?
Superman wears
Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #30
There is no life on Mars
but there once was
before Chuck Norris got there

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #31
Chuck Norris
once kicked a horse in the chin
we call its offspring giraffes

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #32
When Chuck Norris inhales,
he isn't breathing
he's holding air hostage

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #33
aka
Chuck Norris Can't Wear Condoms Haiku
He can't wear condoms
because there is no protection
from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #34
Chuck Norris does not hunt
hunters sometimes fail
Chuck Norris goes killing

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #35
If Chuck Norris was a country
his chief exports would be
fists and pain

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #36
Chuck Norris donates
blood to the red cross, but he
never gives his own

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #37
Paper beats rock beats
scissors beats paper, but all
yield to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #38
There are three sides
to the Force: the light side, the dark side,
and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #39
Chuck Norris never
misspells a word. Webster just
changes the spelling

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #40
When Chuck Norris has
surgery, the doctors get
the anesthesia

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #41
Chuck Norris could put Humpty Dumpty
back together again,
but why?

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #42
The answer to the universe
isn't forty-two,
it is chuck norris

Counting syllables in haiku is tough? No more

A British computer programmer, Russell McVeigh has solved all the problems for haikusters, a Syllable Counter that counts as you type.

Once you're close to 17 syllables, count them with your accent as it's not 100% accurate to Western American dialect, as in this:

Chuck Norris Haiku # 20
Chuck Norris’ hand
is the only hand that can
beat a Royal Flush

Which only counted 15 syllables, because the British pronunciation is one syllable "rɔɪəl" while Americans break it into "rɔɪ ' əl."

It also didn't count Chuck Norris' as four syllables, just three. Probably because it was scared of Chuck Norris.

Haiku Death Match at Sedona's GumptionFest IV on Saturday, Sept. 5.