Slam Tutorial, Part VIII, Love & Humor

Round Three: A Love Poem with a Dash of Humor

By the third round, surely someone has slammed a love poem. Perhaps everyone has dropped a poem here or there. They best way to turn the slam on its head is with an over-the-top humorous poem that tackles poetry's favorite subjects: love, sex, lust, relationships and sugar.

Breakfast Cereal
for Gretchen Ryan Hays

I like you like breakfast cereal
choc full of goodness
because I want have you first thing in the morning
while watching cartoons
as a reward for being for being good
or really, really naughty the night before

I like you like breakfast cereal
because I feel all soft and soggy inside
when I'm around you
like a marshmallow
tender and squishy

I like you like breakfast cereal
you have green clover in your hips
and red balloons in your lips
I want to make love to you under the yellow moon
and let all the blue stars watch
and I find myself following purple horseshoe prints to find you,
tracing them with my finger back around to you

I like you like breakfast cereal
and I like feel that stupid rabbit trying to catch you
and I could put on silly costumes
and tell you long-winded stories
and try to distract you long enough to get just a taste of you

but tricks are for kids
and we promised to be honest
so honestly -
you have been part of my complete breakfast
ever since I saw you across the room
and tasted you with my eyes
imagining your flavor
my tongue gets twisted in fruit loops
I am so lucky, so charmed to have you
I like your packaging - simple but really pretty
I feel like a Cap'n in your arms
I am coco for your CoCo Puffs
you make me cheery, oh... so cheery

I think of you first thing in the morning
and how you have enough vitamins and minerals when you blush
to keep me healthy all day long
I want a bowl of you every morning
until I am too old to pick up a spoon
and have to have you though a straw

I will follow you to France and make toast
or Florida to squeeze oranges
or South America for bananas
but you don't need anything extra to make me like you
I could have you wet ... or dry
quickly on a lunch break
at 2 a.m. all drunk and sloppy
on a camping trip
or while driving cross country in a Waffle House parking lot
you're satisfying anywhere

I want you three times every Saturday morning
when there's no school, no work,
and when we can play till Sunday
because your contents don't shift during shipping and handling
and none of your ingredients are artificial
you are naturally flavored
and so painfully sweet it hurts my teeth when I see you
I will like you until all my teeth fall out

Reasons why I like Gretchen so much it hurts

· Looks great with or without glasses
· Ballet dancer. She practices 3 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
· Really, really cute. Big points. I'm shallow sometimes, but I'm honest.
· Speaks French.
· Speaks Spanish. Cool in itself, but when added with the French, doubles the coolness factor.
· Is learning Greek. Cool in itself, but when added with the French and Spanish, triples the coolness factor.
· She's curious as hell. Loves listening to my friends talk to her and with each other. Like me, she likes stories.
· Literate. Not just literate, but reads a lot.
· Likes poetry.
· Feminist.
· Sends me haiku in text messages.
· Calls when she promises. Sends cute text messages.
· Really, really hot.
· She likes me. This is usually the maker or breaker when I have a crush. The likes me part is a huge plus, obviously.
· Shy, but doesn't want to be. Ditto.
· To date, I have not heard her say anything negative about anyone. Serious. How can anyone be so damn nice?
· Great, huge, brown eyes.
· Great smile
· Soft skin
· She got horny watching "Casablanca" with me. Who does that?
· Blushes
· Likes that I like her so much.
· Her middle name is Ryan. A boy's name? Damn sexy.
· Great hair. Longer than her shoulder, jet black, perfectly straight. I'm a sucker.
· Always has an answer when I ask, "what are you thinking?" That's my litmus test.
· Drives a stick shift.
· Always dresses great and has a choice in earrings that fashion models would kill for.
· Wants to move to France. I love French toast.
· Has a Zen bedroom. There are monks with more material possessions
· She likes me. I just wanted to write that again because it's a huge plus.
· Sends me French text messages that I have to wait for her to translate.
· Amazing kisser. She bites.
· Wants to be a philosophy major.
· Wants me to meet her parents, specifically her dad because she thinks we'd hit it off.
· Likes to cuddle. Loves sex.
· She's more worried that I won't like her. This never happens to me. I always put out too much effort.
· Endured a poetry open mic. Usually this is a make or break for someone who claims to like poetry. If sincere, they stay and can discuss the poems later. If not, they get bored or leave or zone out. She stayed and remembered poets and poems.
· Endured and resisted a Mike–Attack, a drunken verbal assault with my best friend, Mike KuKuruga. He's very protective of me, doesn't let anyone lay on bullshit, and not only did she stand her ground but she fought back against him, and got really cool with him only minutes later. Earned much respect from KuK for it.
· Best friend KuK said "she's a keeper."
· Best friend Christopher Lane said "she's got a nice shitter." That's Texan for "she's a keeper."
· Friend Katie likes her. Always trust the opinions of crazy geniuses. They have weird powers.
· Friend Nikki liker her. Again, always trust the opinions of crazy geniuses. They have weird powers.
· Ex–girlfriend Emily likes her.
· She adores Dan Seaman
· Curious. Despite everything else I like, a constant curiosity is the best trait she could have. It means that we'll always be learning.
· Likes to hold me.
· Everything fits with her. Fate–style. There hasn't been any off moments or odd things to irk me. I always have a something. But not with her.
· She likes to live in the moment. Ditto.
· She wants kids. Lots. Me too. 3 daughters and a son, minimum.
· Really, really hot with a tight dancer's body.
· I like telling people, with her right there, how much I like her.
· Hasn't been out of the state as an adult but wants to travel. I love travel more than almost anything.
· Great hands
· Already inspired a poem that I wrote in 25 minutes, slammed with in 3 hours, and scored a pair of 10s.
· Boston won the World Series. So good things come to the faithful.
· Makes me smile a lot, even when she's not around.
· Likes sushi.
· Has a lot of non–sequitirs.
· Drinks beer. Sometimes a boy doesn't want to buy his girl a fru–fru drinks or a Long Island. A girl with a Sam Adams is a keeper
· Has a little happy trail of stomach hair. Very feminine.
· Great shoulders.
· No extraneous piercings or tattoos, as far as I can tell. This isn’t really a
negative, but some times girls want to be so distinct and unique, that they
become like everyone else.
· Only smokes when she drinks. Ditto
· Aquarius, Feb 2nd. We get along.
· Just generally 100% awesome.
· Except for two days in Las Vegas with Katie, I've seen her every day since I met her. Granted, I met her Friday, but hey.
· She stayed in Flagstaff for a slam. I was first with a Nationals poem, then the aforementioned new poem about her, then I threw round three and did something fun because Christopher Lane was disqualified for perhaps the best slam stunt ever: passing out flyers with my picture while insulting me hardcore.
· The Ex of Ex-girlfriends Daniela thinks she's really pretty and likes to see me happy.
· She is more fragile than she lets on.
· Doesn't know that I know that.

Breakfast Cereal

Incidently, my brother Nicholas turned 23 today. 23 was the roughest year of my life. I hope is goes better.

Breakfast Cereal
for Gretchyn Ryan Hays

I like you like breakfast cereal
choc full of goodness
because I want have you first thing in the morning
while watching cartoons
as a reward for being for being good
or really, really naughty the night before

I like you like breakfast cereal
because I feel all soft and soggy inside
when I'm around you
like a marshmallow
tender and squishy

I like you like breakfast cereal
you have green clover in your hips
and red balloons in your lips
I want to make love to you under the yellow moon
and let all the blue stars watch
and I find myself following purple horseshoe prints to find you,
tracing them with my finger back around to you

I like you like breakfast cereal
and I like feel that stupid rabbit trying to catch you
and I could put on silly costumes
and tell you long–winded stories
and try to distract you long enough to get just a taste of you

but tricks are for kids
and we promised to be honest
so honestly –
you have been part of my complete breakfast
ever since I saw you across the room
and tasted you with my eyes
imagining your flavor
my tongue gets twisted in fruit loops
I am so lucky, so charmed to have you
I like your packaging – simple but really pretty
I feel like a Cap'n in your arms
I am coco for your CoCo Puffs
you make me cheery oh…, so cheery

I think of you first thing in the morning
and how you have enough vitamins and minerals when you blush
to keep me healthy all day long
I want a bowl of you every morning
until I am too old to pick up a spoon
and have to have you though a straw

I will follow you to France and make toast
or Florida to squeeze oranges
or South America for bananas
but you don't need anything extra to make me like you
I could have you wet … or dry
quickly on a lunch break
at 2 a.m. all drunk and sloppy
on a camping trip
or while driving cross country in a Waffle House parking lot
you're satisfying anywhere

I want you three times every Saturday morning
when there's no school, no work,
and when we can play till Sunday
because your contents don't shift during shipping and handling
and none of your ingredients are artificial
you are naturally flavored
and so painfully sweet it hurts my teeth when I see you
I will like you until all my teeth fall out