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| Photo courtesy of AvantNoir.com |
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Lauren Perry performs in the first round of the Sedona Poetry Slam, 12-3-2011
Gary Every calibration poem at the Sedona Poetry Slam on Dec. 3, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Flagstaff Slammaster Ryan Brown features at the Sedona Poetry Slam on Jan. 7
Sedona’s Studio Live hosts a poetry slam Saturday, Jan. 7, starting at 7:30 p.m. featuring Flagstaff Slammaster Ryan Brown.
All poets are welcome to compete for the $75 grand prize.
The slam will the first of the 2011-12 season, expected to be more moving, more energetic and more intense because this year, poets will be competing for a slot in Sedona’s first National Poetry Slam Team.
After four years of collaborating with the Flagstaff and Phoenix metro area poetry slam scenes, the Sedona scene has developed the reputation and strength to muster its own team to send to the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C., in August. The eventual four-poet team will share the stage with 300 of the top poets in the United States, Canada and Europe, pouring out their words in a weeklong explosion of expression.
Ryan Brown is a poet's poet in every sense of the word. The mountain town of Flagstaff, is known for a poetry slam scene where poets come together as a community, and Brown has been at the center of the growth as the FlagSlam Poetry Slam's slammaster since 2008.
A slammaster is the administrative representative of a poetry slam scene and its de facto leader.
Brown has attended three National Poetry Slam competitions as a member of the FlagSlam team, getting as far as the semi-finals round in 2009. At the helm of Flagstaff's slam scene, Brown has brought in featured poets such as Andrea Gibson and Gypsee Yo to help reinvigorate the poetry community in a town now bursting with poetic flavor. After a three-month hiatus spent farming in Hawai'i at the tail end of 2010, Brown has shifted the FlagSlam's location to Sundara Boutique and Gallery, which is quickly becoming one of Flagstaff's best venues for performance art.
An English major at Northern Arizona University, Brown has been writing and performing poetry for over four years, collaborating often with poets such as Frank O'Brien, John Cartier, and Sedona's Jessica Guadarrama and Christopher Fox Graham. He writes with the future in mind, his poems often revolving around the intimacy of human relationships.
Due to graduate from NAU in 2012, Brown also cultivates obsessions with baseball, skateboarding, and coffee, spending most of his time at school or at work, living the life of a pedestrian in a town where every destination is reachable on foot. Keys, wallet, cell phone, pen, and notepad: The essential tools for this particular poet.
To compete in the slam, poets need at least three original poems, each three minutes long or shorter. No props, costumes or musical accompaniment are permitted. All types of poetry are welcome.
The Jan. 7 slam will be hosted by Sedona poet Christopher Fox Graham, who represented Northern Arizona on the Flagstaff team at five National Poetry Slams between 2001 and 2010.
Based on points, the top 12 poets in May are eligible to compete for the four slots on the Sedona Poetry Slam Team, which will represent the community and Studio Live at the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C. All poets are eligible in the slamoff except those already confirmed members of or coaching another National Poetry Slam or College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational or Brave New Voices team. Poets can compete for multiple teams during a season and still be eligible to compete in the Sedona team.
Poetry slam has become an international artistic sport, with more than 100 major poetry slams in the United States, Canada, Australia and Western Europe.
Tickets are $7 in advance and $12 the day of the event, available at Golden Word Books and Music, 3150 W. SR 89A, and online at studiolivesedona.com.
Studio Live is located at 215 Coffee Pot Drive, West Sedona.
For more information, call (928) 282-2688 or visit http://studiolivesedona.com.
All poets are welcome to compete for the $75 grand prize.
The slam will the first of the 2011-12 season, expected to be more moving, more energetic and more intense because this year, poets will be competing for a slot in Sedona’s first National Poetry Slam Team.
After four years of collaborating with the Flagstaff and Phoenix metro area poetry slam scenes, the Sedona scene has developed the reputation and strength to muster its own team to send to the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C., in August. The eventual four-poet team will share the stage with 300 of the top poets in the United States, Canada and Europe, pouring out their words in a weeklong explosion of expression.
Ryan Brown
 |
| Flagstaff poet Ryan Brown has attended three National Poetry Slam competitions in 2008, 2009 and 2010 as a member of the FlagSlam team, getting as far as the semi-finals round in 2009. |
A slammaster is the administrative representative of a poetry slam scene and its de facto leader.
Brown has attended three National Poetry Slam competitions as a member of the FlagSlam team, getting as far as the semi-finals round in 2009. At the helm of Flagstaff's slam scene, Brown has brought in featured poets such as Andrea Gibson and Gypsee Yo to help reinvigorate the poetry community in a town now bursting with poetic flavor. After a three-month hiatus spent farming in Hawai'i at the tail end of 2010, Brown has shifted the FlagSlam's location to Sundara Boutique and Gallery, which is quickly becoming one of Flagstaff's best venues for performance art.
An English major at Northern Arizona University, Brown has been writing and performing poetry for over four years, collaborating often with poets such as Frank O'Brien, John Cartier, and Sedona's Jessica Guadarrama and Christopher Fox Graham. He writes with the future in mind, his poems often revolving around the intimacy of human relationships.
Due to graduate from NAU in 2012, Brown also cultivates obsessions with baseball, skateboarding, and coffee, spending most of his time at school or at work, living the life of a pedestrian in a town where every destination is reachable on foot. Keys, wallet, cell phone, pen, and notepad: The essential tools for this particular poet.
To compete in the slam, poets need at least three original poems, each three minutes long or shorter. No props, costumes or musical accompaniment are permitted. All types of poetry are welcome.
 |
Photo by Harley Deuce The Dec. 3 slam will be hosted by Sedona poet Christopher FoxGraham, who represented Northern Arizona on the Flagstaff team at five National Poetry Slams between 2001 and 2010. |
Sedona National Poetry Slam Team
Competing poets earn points with each Sedona Poetry Slam performance between Dec. 3 and Saturday, May 5. Future slams will take place on Saturdays, Feb. 18, March 10, April 7 and May 5. Every poet earns 1 point for performing or hosting and 1/2 point for calibrating. First place earns 3 additional points, second place earns 2 and third place earns 1.Based on points, the top 12 poets in May are eligible to compete for the four slots on the Sedona Poetry Slam Team, which will represent the community and Studio Live at the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C. All poets are eligible in the slamoff except those already confirmed members of or coaching another National Poetry Slam or College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational or Brave New Voices team. Poets can compete for multiple teams during a season and still be eligible to compete in the Sedona team.
What is Poetry Slam?
Founded in Chicago in 1984, poetry slam is a competitive artistic sport. Poetry slams are judged by five randomly chosen members of the audience who assign numerical value to individual poets’ contents and performances.Poetry slam has become an international artistic sport, with more than 100 major poetry slams in the United States, Canada, Australia and Western Europe.
Tickets are $7 in advance and $12 the day of the event, available at Golden Word Books and Music, 3150 W. SR 89A, and online at studiolivesedona.com.
Studio Live is located at 215 Coffee Pot Drive, West Sedona.
For more information, call (928) 282-2688 or visit http://studiolivesedona.com.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Ryan Brown, Aaron Johnson, Bill Campana and Sean Patrick Mulroy to feature in Sedona
With the first slam of the 2012 Sedona Poetry Slam season down, these are our upcoming feature poets
- Saturday, Jan. 7: Ryan Brown, Flagstaff, AZ
- Saturday, Feb. 18: Aaron Johnson, Phoenix, AZ
- Saturday, March 10: To be announced.
- Saturday, April 7: Bill Campana, Phoenix, AZ. Also National Poetry Month
- Saturday, May 5: Sean Patrick Mulroy, Brooklyn, N.Y.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Klute wins the December Sedona Poetry Slam
After a high-stakes Haiku Death Match, TheKlute wins the first Sedona Poetry Slam of the 2011-12 National Poetry Slam Season.
Benediction: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Jack Egan, of Sedona, 25.4
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.1
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 26.8
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 26.5
The Klute, of Phoenix, 28.2
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.5
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 26.6
Valence, of Flagstaff, 27.8
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 28.9
Sorbet: Jahnilli Akbar, of New York City
Valence, of Flagstaff, 26.4, 54.2
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 27.0, 53.6
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.0, 54.5
The Klute, of Phoenix, 28.5, 56.7
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 27.1, 53.6
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 25.4, 52.2
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.1, 52.2
Jack Egan, of Sedona, of , 000, 000
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 28.3, 55.7
Feature: Jahnilli Akbar, of New York City
Sorbet: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 28.4, 84.6
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 28.3, 000
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.8, 82.3
Valence, of Flagstaff, 27.4, 81.6
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 26.9, 80.5
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 27.0, 80.6
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 26.1, 78.3
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.5, 78.7
Jack Egan, of Sedona , 28.2, 79.9
Sorbet: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
 | |
Photo courtesy of Jessica Mason-Paul With his Dec. 3 win, The Klute now leads the Sedona National PoetrySlam Team Standings. |
Benediction: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Round 1
Random Draw
Calibration: Gary Every, of Sedona
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 27.4Random Draw
Calibration: Gary Every, of Sedona
Jack Egan, of Sedona, 25.4
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.1
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 26.8
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 26.5
The Klute, of Phoenix, 28.2
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.5
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 26.6
Valence, of Flagstaff, 27.8
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 28.9
Sorbet: Jahnilli Akbar, of New York City
Round 2
Reverse Order
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 27.3, 56.2Reverse Order
Valence, of Flagstaff, 26.4, 54.2
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 27.0, 53.6
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.0, 54.5
The Klute, of Phoenix, 28.5, 56.7
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 27.1, 53.6
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 25.4, 52.2
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.1, 52.2
Jack Egan, of Sedona, of , 000, 000
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 28.3, 55.7
Feature: Jahnilli Akbar, of New York City
Sorbet: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Round 3
High to Low
The Klute, of Phoenix, 27.9, 84.6High to Low
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 28.4, 84.6
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 28.3, 000
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 27.8, 82.3
Valence, of Flagstaff, 27.4, 81.6
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 26.9, 80.5
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 27.0, 80.6
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 26.1, 78.3
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 26.5, 78.7
Jack Egan, of Sedona , 28.2, 79.9
Sorbet: Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Final Scores
The Klute, of Phoenix, 84.6, winning Haiku Death Match 3-2.
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 84.6, losing Haiku Death Match 3-2.
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 84.0
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 82.3
Valence, of Flagstaff, 81.6
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 80.6
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 80.5
Jack Egan, of Sedona, 79.9
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 78.7
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 78.3
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff, 84.6, losing Haiku Death Match 3-2.
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix, 84.0
nodalone, of Flagstaff, 82.3
Valence, of Flagstaff, 81.6
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman, 80.6
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff, 80.5
Jack Egan, of Sedona, 79.9
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff, 78.7
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff, 78.3
Sedona National Poetry Slam Team
Slamoff Point Standings
4 points
The Klute, of Phoenix
3 points
Ryan Brown, of Flagstaff
2 points
Lauren Perry, of Phoenix
1 point
Jahnilli Akbar, of New York City
Jack Egan, of Sedona
Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff
nodalone, of Flagstaff
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff
Valence, of Flagstaff
0.5 points
Gary Every, of Sedona
Jack Egan, of Sedona
Christopher Fox Graham, of Sedona
Christopher Harbster, of Flagstaff
nodalone, of Flagstaff
Spencer Troth, of Flagstaff
Mikel Weisser, of Kingman
Josh Wiss, of Flagstaff
Valence, of Flagstaff
0.5 points
Gary Every, of Sedona
All You Need is Love, in 156 countries
Ah, John Lennon, you lost poet, look what you did to the world.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Tonight: New York City poet Jahnilli Akbar features at Sedona Poetry Slam
Sedona’s Studio Live hosts a poetry slam Saturday, Dec. 3, starting at 7:30 p.m. featuring New York City poet Jahnilli Akbar.
All poets are welcome to compete for the $75 grand prize.
Poets expected to slam tonight:
Jack Egan, Sedona
Shaun "Nodalone" Srivastava, Flagstaff
The Klute, Phoenix
Lauren Perry, Phoenix
George Yamazawa Jr., Durham, North Carolina
Thom Stanley, Sedona
Brian Towne, Flagstaff
Frank O'Brien, Prescott
Mikel Weisser, So-Hi (near Kingman)
Ryan Brown, Flagstaff
Gary Every, Sedona
The slam will the first of the 2011-12 season, expected to be more moving, more energetic and more intense because this year, poets will be competing for a slot in Sedona’s first National Poetry Slam Team.
After four years of collaborating with the Flagstaff and Phoenix metro area poetry slam scenes, the Sedona scene has developed the reputation and strength to muster its own team to send to the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C., in August. The eventual four-poet team will share the stage with 300 of the top poets in the United States, Canada and Europe, pouring out their words in a weeklong explosion of expression.
Jahnilli AkbarJahnilli Akbar is a 22-year-old poet and activist, born in Chicago and raised in northern Mississippi. Currently he splits his time between Harlem and Brooklyn, N.Y.
Akbar’s poetry is best defined as an artistic mesh of alternative black, Semitic and queer life in America.
Akbar won the 2010 Rookie of the Year award at the Wade-Lewis Invitational, the second largest colligate slam in the country with more than 100 participants, held at the State University of New York at New Paltz.
Akbar is also the recipient of the 2011 Fresh Fruit Festival Queer Poet of the Year Award. He is a known face on the underground New York City art scene, as part of a movement called the Bushwick Renaissance, and as a member of Ground- Floor Collective, a leftist, African diaspora-based, predominately lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer group of artists. The Ground-Floor Collective, the Brecht Forum & Malcolm X Grassroots Movement curates the annual Black August art show, a fundraiser for political prisoners abroad.
Many stages, venues and spaces have hosted Akbar’s poetry, including Nuyorican Poets’ Café, Bowery Poetry Club, Louder Arts, NYC Intangible Poetry Slam, SUNY New Paltz and the Brooklyn Museum, all in New York, the Seattle Poetry Slam, Chicago’s Mental Graffiti Slam and Wordplay Chicago.
In early November, Akbar published his first book, “Chronicles of a Contemporary Alternative American Negro,” and headed out on tour.
To compete in the slam, poets need at least three original poems, each three minutes long or shorter. No props, costumes or musical accompaniment are permitted. All types of poetry are welcome.
The Dec. 3 slam will be hosted by Sedona poet Christopher Fox Graham, who represented Northern Arizona on the Flagstaff team at five National Poetry Slams between 2001 and 2010.
Poetry slam has become an international artistic sport, with more than 100 major poetry slams in the United States, Canada, Australia and Western Europe.
Tickets are $7 in advance and $12 the day of the event, available at Golden Word Books and Music, 3150 W. SR 89A, and online at studiolivesedona.com.
Studio Live is located at 215 Coffee Pot Drive, West Sedona.
For more information, call (928) 282-2688 or visit http://studiolivesedona.com.
All poets are welcome to compete for the $75 grand prize.
Poets expected to slam tonight:
Jack Egan, Sedona
Shaun "Nodalone" Srivastava, Flagstaff
The Klute, Phoenix
Lauren Perry, Phoenix
George Yamazawa Jr., Durham, North Carolina
Thom Stanley, Sedona
Brian Towne, Flagstaff
Frank O'Brien, Prescott
Mikel Weisser, So-Hi (near Kingman)
Ryan Brown, Flagstaff
Gary Every, Sedona
The slam will the first of the 2011-12 season, expected to be more moving, more energetic and more intense because this year, poets will be competing for a slot in Sedona’s first National Poetry Slam Team.
After four years of collaborating with the Flagstaff and Phoenix metro area poetry slam scenes, the Sedona scene has developed the reputation and strength to muster its own team to send to the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C., in August. The eventual four-poet team will share the stage with 300 of the top poets in the United States, Canada and Europe, pouring out their words in a weeklong explosion of expression.
 |
| Sedona’s Studio Live hosts a poetry slam Saturday, Dec. 3, starting at 7:30 p.m. featuring New York City poet Jahnilli Akbar. |
Akbar’s poetry is best defined as an artistic mesh of alternative black, Semitic and queer life in America.
Akbar won the 2010 Rookie of the Year award at the Wade-Lewis Invitational, the second largest colligate slam in the country with more than 100 participants, held at the State University of New York at New Paltz.
Akbar is also the recipient of the 2011 Fresh Fruit Festival Queer Poet of the Year Award. He is a known face on the underground New York City art scene, as part of a movement called the Bushwick Renaissance, and as a member of Ground- Floor Collective, a leftist, African diaspora-based, predominately lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer group of artists. The Ground-Floor Collective, the Brecht Forum & Malcolm X Grassroots Movement curates the annual Black August art show, a fundraiser for political prisoners abroad.
Many stages, venues and spaces have hosted Akbar’s poetry, including Nuyorican Poets’ Café, Bowery Poetry Club, Louder Arts, NYC Intangible Poetry Slam, SUNY New Paltz and the Brooklyn Museum, all in New York, the Seattle Poetry Slam, Chicago’s Mental Graffiti Slam and Wordplay Chicago.
In early November, Akbar published his first book, “Chronicles of a Contemporary Alternative American Negro,” and headed out on tour.
To compete in the slam, poets need at least three original poems, each three minutes long or shorter. No props, costumes or musical accompaniment are permitted. All types of poetry are welcome.
|
Photo by Harley Deuce The Dec. 3 slam will be hosted by Sedona poet Christopher FoxGraham, who represented Northern Arizona on the Flagstaff team at five National Poetry Slams between 2001 and 2010. |
Sedona National Poetry Slam Team
Competing poets earn points with each Sedona Poetry Slam performance between Dec. 3 and Saturday, May 5. Future slams will take place on Saturdays, Jan. 7, Feb. 18, March 10, April 7 and May 5. Every poet earns 1 point for performing or hosting and 1/2 point for calibrating. First place earns 3 additional points, second place earns 2 and third place earns 1. Based on points, the top 12 poets in May are eligible to compete for the four slots on the Sedona Poetry Slam Team, which will represent the community and Studio Live at the 2012 National Poetry Slam in Charlotte, N.C. All poets are eligible in the slamoff except those already confirmed members of or coaching another National Poetry Slam or Young Voices Be Heard team. Poets can compete for multiple teams during a season and still be eligible to compete in the Sedona team.What is Poetry Slam?
Founded in Chicago in 1984, poetry slam is a competitive artistic sport. Poetry slams are judged by five randomly chosen members of the audience who assign numerical value to individual poets’ contents and performances.Poetry slam has become an international artistic sport, with more than 100 major poetry slams in the United States, Canada, Australia and Western Europe.
Tickets are $7 in advance and $12 the day of the event, available at Golden Word Books and Music, 3150 W. SR 89A, and online at studiolivesedona.com.
Studio Live is located at 215 Coffee Pot Drive, West Sedona.
For more information, call (928) 282-2688 or visit http://studiolivesedona.com.
To slam:
Sign up at Studio Live by 7 p.m. or send a text message with your name to Graham at (928) 517-1400. Slots are first come, first serve.
Sign up at Studio Live by 7 p.m. or send a text message with your name to Graham at (928) 517-1400. Slots are first come, first serve.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
"How to Make an Issue of the 'Zine Beat Tiger"
The Art Of A Haus Show
How to Make an Issue of the 'zine Beat Tiger
How to Make an Issue of the 'zine Beat Tiger
Recipe:
1 set of weights2 black jumpsuits
2 black masks
2 pair of black shoes
1 pair of wire cutter
1 large van
50 pounds of raw, uncooked meat
200 cc’s ketamine
1 stopwatch
1 tiger
1 copy of “Apocalypto”
1 ear to the ground1 used typewriter
I oversize coat
1 lawyer on retainer
1 pack of artists, raw and unpasteurized, large size
Step One:
begin lifting weights
you will need the muscle later
dress yourself and a partner in black jumpsuits
black masks, black shoes
find the local zoo or animal park
use the wire cutters on the external fence
find the tiger exhibitchoosing the right tiger is key:
Indochinese and Malayan tigers are endangered
and the penalty for poaching
is solitary confinement
Sumatran Tigers are on the verge of extinction
and you face lifetime imprisonment
in an Indonesian prison
and you do not speak Indonesian
Siberian Tigers are too closely watched
by gay magicians in Las Vegas
And Ligers, while humorous in “Napoleon Dynamite,”
simply do not count
Bengal Tigers are most numerous
and most easily acquired
now, insert ketamine into the raw meat
and throw it over the fence
wait 40 minutes
use the wire cutters on the fence
drive your van into the enclosure
lift the 500-pound animal into the van
it’s a good thing you started lifting all those weights
drive the tiger home
unload the animal into your garage
take photos for this month’s ’zine cover
release the tiger into the woods
don’t do so near a school
the tiger will be hungry when it wakes
Step Two
you will need the muscle later
Begin watching “Apocalypto”
understand that Mel Gibson is racist
forgive him, no one’s perfect,
focus on the film’s hero
watch it over and over
until you name your band Jaguar Paw
Memorize the following:
“I am Jaguar Paw,
son of Flint Sky.
My Father hunted this forest before me.
My name is Jaguar Paw.
I am a hunter.
This is my forest.
And my sons will hunt it with their sons
after I am gone.”
Step Three:
continue lifting weightsyou will need the muscle later
take your ear
put it to the ground
hear the word on the street
all rumors are true
repeat them, loudly, vibrantly and in print
feel free to embellish
that’s how rumors grow too big to control
become a cog in that wheel
find what’s “fair and balanced” in you
and delete that shit
bias is the only way to live
because it is sincere and punk rock
you are punk rock
say it, “I am punk rock!”
louder, you pussies!
life means nothing without passion and obsession
Step Four:
continue lifting weightsyou will need the muscle later
head to the nearest thrift store
walk past the jeans
you have enough
only if you’re a hipster
and to one-up other hipsters
but understand you’re a pretentious fuck
head to appliances
find a typewriter
a Brother Electric Typewriter is choice
choose one with character
like a bent “K” or a missing “Shift” key
so all your pages will be lowercase
capitalization is elitist
and we are the 99%
Step Five:
you will need the muscle later
but on an oversize coat
find an office supply store
ask who owns the place
if the cashier says, “that guy”
you are in a local mom-and-pop
pay full price
if the cashier says, “stockholders” or “some CEO”
you are in a corporate chain
so fill your pockets like it’s the day before the zombie apocalypse
and only staples and Sharpies will keep you safe
pack paper reams under your coatif you are discovered,
feign going into labor
no one suspects a pregnant woman
if you are male, declare it a miracle
remember to thank Jesus loudly
if quarterbacks can do it, so can you
you’re a fucking artist, damn-it
and Jesus loves you, too
hide scissors in your sleeves
if you have to fight your way out
no security guard will risk bleeding out
over 10 packs of Pilot G-2s
Remember to thank the store in your Page 2 shoutouts
Step Six:
rescue them from recyclers
schedule a doctor’s appointment
don’t worry about insurance
you won’t be there long
instead, use a fake Social Security number
while the receptionist is busy
trying to solve that problem
grab every magazine older than 1983
you make need to make two trips
it’s a good thing you started lifting all those weights
each title serves a purpose
vintage Life is classy
and you must have class
Vanity Fair is both chic and trashy
you are chic and trashy
and at 400 pages,
it also offers plenty of material
National Geographic may have tigers
but it always pictures of topless women
in Third World countries
The Week is choc full of current eventsand you must inform
most of your readers get their news
from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert
Buy one vintage copy of Peanuts
Wite-Out speech bubbles
and make Snoopy as foul-mouthed as you are
rewrite Charlie Brown into a hipster
and Linus a badass pimp
Schroeder can bitch about Peter Zimmerman
while Lucy can mourn Drugs Bunny’s expulsion
from every Sedona band
Step Seven:
continue lifting weightsyou will need the muscle later
find the fire within you
you’ll need a lighter and a pack of
American Spirit Lights
rollies are also acceptable
dirties are punk rock
and, as previously, determined
you are punk rock
liquid courage will keep your writing lugubrious
know Big Flats is cheaper than PBR
so you can get wasted on pocket change
47 Pound Rooster won’t cause headaches
so buy in bulk
Step Eight:
continue lifting weightsyou will need the muscle later
then, light up your cigarettes
start pouring beer and wine for your contributors
it’s going to be a long weekend
pick music that is profound
choose Bob Dylan
the aforementioned Jaguar Paw
pick punk that pulls the passion from your pockets like paper magic tricks
have the rollies and dirties handyuse them to fight off writer’s block
take your shoplifted blank paper
make sure it’s 100-percent recycled
art should be good for the planet
set up the typewriter
treat it like an old lover
who hates you
or an ex-roommate
who still owes you money
beat the keys like a prison bitch
truth is in a prison
your ’zine is a prison break
you are the TNT
light the fuse and explode
use your stolen Sharpies
the five-finger discounted scissors
cut up the magazines
splice Jay-Z alongside Ben Bernanke
have them debate how the lights on Hwy. 89A
will make alien saucer landings easier*
Nico needs the inspiration and the validation
make a collage of your photocopied friends
and fashion models and ask:
“who’s truly beautiful, motherfucker?”
place Lindsay Lohan next to Marilyn Monroe
and whisper, “Lindsay, where did you go wrong?”
use the Pilot G-2s that hospitalized a security guard
and pen brilliant music reviews and short stories
warn youngsters about the perils of Bath Salts
and poetry and pen drawings
in all the white spaces
this isn’t an art magazine
you don’t get paid by the page
let loose all those rumors
spill everyone’s secrets
make them so outlandish
even the suspects doubt their guilt
you’re not a journalist
you’re a fictionalist with nonfiction charactersif you don’t have the dirt, make it up
then wait for the lawsuits to hit you
remember, you have that lawyer on retainer
list so many inside jokes
even you’re out of the loop
use the leftover dirties and hit the copy center
being blazed making photocopying a Zen experience
building a zine is Zen
even the spelling is close
remember to add the cover with the tiger picture
ignore the new stories about the bodies
apparently, it found that elementary school
well, you can’t make art without breaking a few eggs
Step Nine:
they will be heavy
it’s a good thing you started lifting all those weights
Spread your zine like a pyromaniac spreads forest fires
light the city ablaze
shotgun your zine into the hands of artists
like a sperm donor
art needs a father / art needs a mother
and you are both
hold house parties to celebrate the brilliance
of the art you help create like children
have a poet write a poem like this
to recount the epic
build a scene on your back
for the rest of the city to share
the burden will be heavy
but friends will help carry the load
because they too, are punk rock
it’s a good thing we started lifting all those weights
Thursday, November 24, 2011
"Star Wars vs Star Trek" by Faldwin J. Bard and Christopher Fox Graham
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| The Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs surprise Faldwin J. Bardand Christopher Fox Graham at Bookmans |
Writing with Faldwin was a lot of fun. We wrote the poem at Bookmans in Flagstaff, which coincidentally was visited that day by the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs.
Of course, I had my lightsabers in the truck and I was wearing my vintage Star Wars T-shirt, so, well perfect.
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Beneath this handsome exterior | |
beats the heart of a nerd | |
and not your typical | |
“I’ve read the novelizations of the Harry Potter movies” | |
nerd | nerd |
or “I Wikipediaed ‘Twilight’ to sleep with the girl at Bookman’s” | |
nerd | nerd |
No | |
we’re NERDS | we’re NERDS |
Spend six months working on a costume for a three-day convention | |
NERDS | NERDS |
Memorize the inner workings of interstellar starships | |
NERDS | NERDS |
Spend more money on an authentic prop than I do on my girlfriend | |
NERDS | NERDS |
Become fluent in a fictional language I’ll never be able to put on my resume | |
NERDS | NERDS |
we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time | we devote our life to the greatest space epic of all time |
filled with alien races from exotic worlds | |
interstellar travel with impressive special effects | |
grand galactic space battles | |
exploding torpedoes | |
Of, course we’re talking about | |
Star | Star |
Wars Trek | Trek |
Star Trek? | Star Wars? |
Pointy-eared Vulcans and color-coded pajamas? | |
Wrinkly green gnomes and shit-colored bathrobes? | |
How is Star Trek better than Star Wars? | |
One word: Klingons | |
Original Series or after they became space bikers with wrinkly foreheads? | |
You mean wet dream machines for filler episodes? | |
Yeah ’cause nerds need to point out we only get laid once every seven years | |
So what’s so great about Star Wars? | |
Jedi Knights with Lightsabers | |
Grown men dancing around with flashlights? | |
The Force | |
Yeah, it was totally cool when Matilda did it | |
Mandalorians | |
Midi-chlorians. ‘Nuff said. | |
At least my technology makes sense | |
Give me some dilithium crystals and a forcefield and I can build you a warpdrive | |
because I have the specs for that memorized | |
I doubt you can build a lightsaber | |
Whatever, I prefer my space epic focus on the characters not “Treknobabble” | |
You fix a busted hyperdrive the same way you fix a busted TV | |
You hit it with Wookie | |
Geordi La Forge just “reverses the polarity” or | |
“Calibrates the vertarium cortenide power grid with compressed personnel transporters” | |
Why would you use vertarium cortenide for personnel transports? | |
The molecular structure isn’t complex enough to handle organic lifeforms | |
Stop! It’s not about technology, it’s about characters | |
C3PO is just a rusty servant with a shitty British accent | |
Jean-Luc Picard is a Frenchman played by a Scotsman with a worse British accent | |
Did you just insult the silky smooth baritone of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard | |
the Barry White of the Milky Way? | |
at least he doesn’t sound like he’s been smoking two packs a day for 800 years | |
“emphysema, I have” | |
who trained Obi-Wan Kenobi, | “tumor causing, teeth staining, |
smelly, puking habit” | |
Star Wars is a modern retelling of ancient Greek heroic epics: | |
a boy becomes a man | |
finds his father | |
Rescues him from himself | |
and saves the galaxy | |
or he’s a whiny brat with daddy issues who kisses his own sister | |
But with the Force | |
Star Wars is better (said while doing the Jedi Mind Trick) | |
Seriously? | |
Don’t use your Jedi Mind Trick on me | |
I will mindmeld your ass | |
faster than you can say Pon Farr | |
I’d explain, but we don’t have all night | |
Lightsabers! | |
Holodecks! | |
The Force! | |
Mindmelds! | |
Mandalorians! | |
Klingons! | |
Gorram-it! | Gorram-it! |
Wait, did you just say “gorram-it”? | |
Yeah | |
Shiny. You like “Firefly”? | |
Of course. Cowboys in space. What’s not to like? | |
And Nathan Fillion | |
So hot | So hot |
It’s so messed up that it got canceled | |
Yeah, what the hell was Fox thinking? | |
(exit stage together) | (exit stage together) |
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| Azami with the Shonare Vhekadla clan of the Manadalorian Mercs at Bookmans |
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