This is the official blog of Northern Arizona slam poet Christopher Fox Graham. Begun in 2002, and transferred to blogspot in 2006, FoxTheBlog has recorded more than 423,000 hits since 2009. This blog cover's Graham's poetry, the Arizona poetry slam community and offers tips for slam poets from sources around the Internet. Read CFG's full biography here. Looking for just that one poem? You know the one ... click here to find it.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Chuck Norris Haiku

Pick a hero, or Texas Ranger, and writer your haiku about his or her badassitude. All apologies to Chuck Norris ....

Gibraltar Haiku
Spain and Morocco
don't touch anymore. Why not?
Chuck Norris said stop

Guitar Hero Haiku
When Chuck Norris
plays "Guitar Hero," somehow
it gets a body count

Why the World Won't End in 2012 Haiku
The world won't end
in the year 2012
because of Chuck Norris

Murder Investigation Haiku
If the cause of death
is listed as "roundhouse kick"
suspect Chuck Norris

This is Chuck Norris' Sparta Haiku
If Chuck Norris was Spartan,
the film "300"
would have been called "1"

United Nations Haiku
When Chuck Norris
visits the United Nations
he's his own country

Franklin D. Roosevelt Haiku
we have nothing to fear
but fear itself
and the fists of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' Bathroom Haiku
For toilet paper
Chuck Norris uses stacks
of rusty cheese graters

Bob Marley Haiku
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,
and then he roundhouse
kicked the deputy

Chuck Norris Mathematics Haiku
irrational numbers
become rational
when they see Chuck Norris

Rome Haiku
Rome would have been built
in a day if Chuck Norris
was the contractor

Chuck Norris in the Bible Haiku
In the beginning,
God said "Let there be light"
Chuck Norris said, "Say please"

Medusa Haiku
Chuck Norris was scared once,
the time he saw Chuck Norris
in a mirror

The following are not my ideas, they are Chuck Norris found haiku gleaned from www.ChuckNorrisFacts.com, www.TheChuckNorrisFacts.com and other Chuck Norris-themed pages. I merely adjusted the word counts to 17 syllables.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #1
If you have five bucks
and Chuck Norris has five bucks,
He has more than you

Chuck Norris Haiku #2
Chuck Norris's keyboard
has no control button.
'Cause he's in control

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #3
Every time Chuck Norris
listens to a song,
iTunes pays him a dollar.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #4
No human being
can sneeze with their eyes closed
except one: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #5
Lays Potato Chips
reads "No One Can Eat Just One"
(except Chuck Norris)

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #6
Everything as far as the eye can see
is "MySpace"
to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #7
aka
Only One Element in the Universe Haiku

Chuck Norris' periodic table
has one element:
Surprise

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #8
He is so efficient
that Chuck Norris can kill
two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #9
When the Boogeyman
goes to sleep, he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #10
Chuck Norris
stares books down
until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #11
Evolution
is just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris has let live

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #12
Outer space
is afraid to be on the same planet
with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #13
Chuck Norris never sleeps
He merely waits
for the right moment
to strike

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #14
Chuck Norris sued NBC.
he already trademarked
Law and Order [left and right fist]

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #15
Where's Waldo?
He's in hiding because Chuck Norris
came looking for him.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #16
No one can count to infinity, they say.
But Chuck Norris has.
Twice.

Chuck Norris Haiku #17
Behind the beard of
Chuck Norris, there is no chin.
Just another fist

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #18
Chuck Norris
doesn't exercise with pushups.
He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #19
Chuck Norris can run so fast
that he can punch himself
before he left.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku # 20
Chuck Norris’s hand
is the only hand that can
beat a Royal Flush

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #21
You can't lead a horse
to water and make it drink.
But Chuck Norris can

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #22
Chuck Norris has no
need for a watch.
Chuck Norris tells time what it is

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #23
When he gets pissed off
Chuck Norris can even slam
a revolving door

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #24
In the cold,
Chuck Norris does not get frostbitten.
Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #25
Soviet Union quit
after watching
a DeltaForce marathon.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #26
America is
no democracy. it is
a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #27
Chuck Norris' action figure
has slept with more women
than most men

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #28
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire
with a magnifying glass
At night

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #29
Seen Superman pajamas?
Superman wears
Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #30
There is no life on Mars
but there once was
before Chuck Norris got there

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #31
Chuck Norris
once kicked a horse in the chin
we call its offspring giraffes

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #32
When Chuck Norris inhales,
he isn't breathing
he's holding air hostage

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #33
aka
Chuck Norris Can't Wear Condoms Haiku

He can't wear condoms
because there is no protection
from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #34
Chuck Norris does not hunt
hunters sometimes fail
Chuck Norris goes killing

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #35
If Chuck Norris was a country
his chief exports would be
fists and pain

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #36
Chuck Norris donates
blood to the red cross, but he
never gives his own

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #37
Paper beats rock beats
scissors beats paper, but all
yield to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #38
There are three sides
to the Force: the light side, the dark side,
and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #39
Chuck Norris never
misspells a word. Webster just
changes the spelling

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #40
When Chuck Norris has
surgery, the doctors get
the anesthesia

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #41
Chuck Norris could put Humpty Dumpty
back together again,
but why?

Chuck Norris Found Haiku #42
The answer to the universe
isn't forty-two,
it is chuck norris

5 comments:

Filosofox_79 said...

Hello:

First: Excuse me english, i speak spanish.

Second: This picture of Chuck Norris in the Haiku #24... is your creation?

Is very nice!!

If you no have a problem, y want copy to my blog.

i wait for you answer

Surgery and a Haircut, INC. said...

I notice that most of those haikus aren't actually haikus...

Traditional haikus follow 5-7-5 pattern. These don't.

Christopher Fox Graham said...

I agree that these are not all haiku in 5-7-5, but they're not in Japanese either. English haiku are generally more flexible, especially in translation of Japanese haiku masters. Early haiku translators aimed for either word-for-word transcription, which could be longer or shorter than 17 syllables and more often not 5-7-5, or they'd aim to capture the imagery, and suffer the same problem. For example, these three translations of Matsuo Bashō:

R.H. Blyth:
Moonlight slants through
The vast bamboo grove:
A cuckoo cries

Lucien Stryck:
From moon wreathed
bamboo grove,
cuckoo song

Peter Beilenson:
Moonlight slanting
through all this long bamboo grove
and nightingale song

Some American haikus are also written in the spirit of the Japanese form and just have three lines and syllables aren't even calculated. The reasoning is that the Japanese syntax and syllabic structure is far simpler for the form than the hodgepodge English language with 10s of thousands of loan words and blended roots.
The National Poetry Slam's only rule for Slam Haiku is 17 syllables. These are more in the style of senryū, but the term is less commonly known although more accurate.

GumptionFest IV will have a Haiku Death Match

Anonymous said...

We have to ask Chuck Norris about that issue...

motorlu panjur said...

devastating :D